Muddy Enlightenment

I have a kind of enlightenment
which is not clear
and which I am not too confident about,
and it is
the kind of enlightenment
where one sees the emptiness
of all things,
but without the clarity
and confidence
of a Buddha,
so it's a muddy enlightenment,
where I say that it's
like this,
but then I say
that it's sort of like this,
and often I say
I don't know,
but that's just because
nobody knows
if they really consider
what it is,
so the enlightenment
which I have struggled
so long and hard for,
is a sloppy, muddy enlightenment
where sometimes
I just throw up my hands
and say "Fuck It!".